DT's Top iPhone/iTouch Apps for 2009

So my Dad got an iTouch and, at first, I thought it was a Gameboy. After I a half hour of trying to figure out how to insert Super Mario Bros. 2 into the thing, my dad told me what it did. WOW! Did you know that there is a touchscreen cell called an iPhone that can do the same thing? I'm constantly amazed by how technonlogy is improving our lives. Here are some of the apps I've been downloading on my dad's iTouch that get DT's Stamp of Awesomeness and that change the way I live my life (when my dad isn't using his iTouch):

1. Track Alert: I get instant updates as to how my ponies finished.
2. Breathalizer: You just blow into the microphone and it tells you if you are past the legal .15 limit to drive.
3. Nickname Generator: This is huge for me, whenever I want to finsih a sentence with a generic nickname, I just shake my dad's iTouch and it generates "Bro, Homey, Toots, Sweetheart."
4. Champps Finder: If I were to ever be allowed by the State to travel, this app tells me the location of the nearest Champps Americana.
5. Awkwardness Meter: I just type in the last sentence of what I said to a girl and it tells me how awkward I've been.
6. Extravegant Tip Calculator: Anytime I'm at the strip club, I can enter the amount of the bill and calculate the appropriate 60%, 70% and 80% tip.

Check them out! And when you do, let me borrow it, I need to check on the Trifecta at Saratoga.

The Ponies

Sorry, Bros and Ladies, I had forgotten that I had this blog because I broke my Mom's computer last year and she wouldn't let me use the new one. She's asleep right now, so if I type quietly, I won't wake her and I can fill all you in on my what's up in DT's world.

First of all, I'm proud to say that I am sticking to my New Year's resolution. No, I'm not moving out of my parents house...why would I want to do that? My resolution this year was to fully commit myself to becoming a degenerate gambler. Since Dec. 31st, I have yet to miss a day at the track. I even rang in the New Year there! It was great; Saul the crazy Vietnam vet was there, Eugene the pederast was there, Stella the one-legged prostitute and Train Track Willie the incontinent hobo was there too. The whole gang! We lifted up our Snow Pea flavored Boones Farm and toasted at Midnight as DaddyDidn'tShowMeAffection, a 25-2 philly we all bet on beat out the favored HorsePorn (3-1) in the final leg. I won $600 that night, but Stella stabbed me and stole it all, plus $700 in tips I had on me. But overall this year I'm only $20 down, not counting the $5,000 I was down from 2008.

The secret to my success is all in how I study for the races. I read the track pamphlet everyday at work and make my notes so that when I get to the track, I've got all my ponies for the day picked out. If I had studied like this in college, I may have actually gotten that Kineseology degree. Word to the wise, don't ever pick a horse just for the name. I got into trouble when I put a grand on a horse named I'mSecretlyAHomosexual just because I liked the name. Bad news, bro, it didn't finish the race and they had to take it back to it's parents farm to recuperate.

Uh,oh! I hear my mom coming down the stairs. Gotta sign out.

Digital Dave

It all began when I started watching that sitcom about the cavemen....even THEY had emails. After having someone show me what the internet was, I got an email address and eventually started this blog. To make it official, I've now got a facebook account. I can't be friends with everybody, so please don't ask me if you aren't worthy.

Sure Thing Keno #'s

I am sure these #'s are going to hit tonight bro. I've been playing them for 2 years straight, and they are finally going to pay out.

3, 20, 34, 35, 42

If you are wondering how I came about to picking these #'s, I'll tell you. 3 is the # of classes I need to graduate, 20 is Barry's # bro, 34 the age I plan on moving out of my rents place, 35 is the age I will move back in, and finally 42 was how many minutes I had until the bar closed that night.

Taking care of your body

What's up Boss' and Bossettes!

I am going to be honest with all of you; a normal human being cannot live the hardcore lifestyle that I do with out serious complications and/or dying. My body can handle the rigors of how I roll by my adhering to a strict health regiment.

My typical day starts at the crack of dawn. Sleeping in is for lazy pussies. I wake up around 6:00 a.m., go downstairs and pound a gallon of milk in 20 minutes. None of that 2% bullshit. I only drink 100% unpasturized. I tried to by a cow with my Keno winnings last month....you know to cut out the middle man (I'm a savvy businessman, bro), but my roomate was all like, "No son of mine is bringing a cow into this house!"

At 6:20, I take a quick nap unitl 2:00 p.m. Then, I head to the YMCA to play some streetball with these persian high school kids I know.

I work every night until 11:00 p.m., so I don't have time to eat a traditional dinner. After work I head to Champps and order nachos. Nachos cover every major food group: grain, dairy, meats, vegetables and fruit (avacado, bro).

Finally, I remain celebate. Sex messes you up, bro. I've seen Raging Bull 20 times and that's where I got that knowledge from.

So remember what the Tweadey has laid down here today. It just might save your life.

The Hair, Bro....The Hair

I get asked two questions on a daily basis:

1. "Dave, how do you get your hair so rock hard?"
2. "Dave, where does all that cash you make go?"

The answer to both of these question is the same. My hair is a symbol of my lifestyle: HARD. I like my drinks hard, my partying hard and my shirts pressed with so much strach that they are HARD! I also like my men hard, but not in a guy way, bro. In order for my hair to be as hard as my lifestyle, I can't rely on normal gel. I use a special gel called Deus ex Edurus. That literally translates into "Hard like the Gods". It costs $350 for a 10 ounce bottle. It costs so much mainly because of the ingredients and the fact that it is illegal in 85% of the world. You can't even find this stuff in Mexico, bro. The gel is made from the ivory of african elephants, sperm whale placenta, silverback gorilla semen, bengal tiger penis, uranium and the tears of angels. This shit is so illegal, I get it from a guy who uses Fillipino orphans as mules to bring it Stateside. I go through a bottle a week, which adds up to, like, $2,500 or something. According to something I saw on interweb, side effects include a deepening of the voice, loss of inhibition and the overt usage of nicknames. Whatever, bro, chief, boss, slick, baby, tootz. I don't beleive that shit, homey, pimp, ese, broheim. So now you know how to be hard like The Tweadey. I need to get outta here to suck some old dude's toes for cash for more Edurus. It's cool though, he's a "regular".

Hey World

What's up bro's and hon's, it's me Tweadey! I decided to set up a blog, so that I can teach the world a thing or two. You'll find that I am a man of simple tastes, I like my drinks 2 at a time, and my films Ace Ventura'd. I'll try to drop some knowledge every day, but I can't promise anything. It gets tough waking up before 2.