The Hair, Bro....The Hair

I get asked two questions on a daily basis:

1. "Dave, how do you get your hair so rock hard?"
2. "Dave, where does all that cash you make go?"

The answer to both of these question is the same. My hair is a symbol of my lifestyle: HARD. I like my drinks hard, my partying hard and my shirts pressed with so much strach that they are HARD! I also like my men hard, but not in a guy way, bro. In order for my hair to be as hard as my lifestyle, I can't rely on normal gel. I use a special gel called Deus ex Edurus. That literally translates into "Hard like the Gods". It costs $350 for a 10 ounce bottle. It costs so much mainly because of the ingredients and the fact that it is illegal in 85% of the world. You can't even find this stuff in Mexico, bro. The gel is made from the ivory of african elephants, sperm whale placenta, silverback gorilla semen, bengal tiger penis, uranium and the tears of angels. This shit is so illegal, I get it from a guy who uses Fillipino orphans as mules to bring it Stateside. I go through a bottle a week, which adds up to, like, $2,500 or something. According to something I saw on interweb, side effects include a deepening of the voice, loss of inhibition and the overt usage of nicknames. Whatever, bro, chief, boss, slick, baby, tootz. I don't beleive that shit, homey, pimp, ese, broheim. So now you know how to be hard like The Tweadey. I need to get outta here to suck some old dude's toes for cash for more Edurus. It's cool though, he's a "regular".